Sharing Feelings: Information Or Attack?
"I'm angry with you."
"I'm feeling really hurt by what you said to me."
"I'm so disappointed in you."
"I'm feeling really irritated with you."
"I'm angry with you."
"I'm feeling really hurt by what you said to me."
"I'm so disappointed in you."
"I'm feeling really irritated with you."
How often have you said these things to others? And how do they
generally respond?
Do they get defensive?
Do they get angry?
Do they withdraw?
Do they lecture or explain things to you, trying to talk you
out of your feelings?
Do they become people pleasers, trying to fix your feelings?
Are they open and curious?
Most likely, they will respond with some form of protective,
defensive behavior, because they probably feel attacked.
Why would they feel attacked by your expression of feelings?
When someone has done something that is upsetting to you, the
question to ask yourself when you are sharing your feelings
with that person is, "What is my intent in sharing my feelings
with this person?"
There are two possible answers to this question:
1. I am sharing my feelings to give information.
2. I am sharing my feelings to blame the person for causing my
feelings.
If you were sharing your feelings to give information, you
might say, "I'm feeling angry with you, so I'm going out for a
walk and try to deal with it."
If you were taking responsibility for your own feelings, you
may not say anything about your feelings to the other person.
You would go inside and explore what you are telling yourself
that is causing you to feel angry, hurt, disappointed, or
irritated. You might share information, such as, "I'm feeling
stressed, so I'm going to take a bath."
But if you just say, "I'm angry with you," or "You hurt my
feelings," then you are not taking responsibility for your
feelings – you are dumping your feelings on the other person,
and he or she will feel blamed.
"But he did make me angry!" you might be thinking. "She did
hurt my feelings." "He did disappoint me." Behind these
statements lies a major false belief – the belief that others
cause your feelings.
It is not what another person says or does that causes your
upsets, but your expectations and what you tell yourself about
another's behavior that causes your painful feelings. If you
expected a birthday gift and didn't get one, you will feel
disappointed, but it is your expectation that caused the
disappointment. If someone ignores you or rejects you, what do
you tell yourself? Do you tell yourself that you are not good
enough, not lovable enough? This is what will hurt you or make
you feel angry. You will feel hurt and angry when you allow
yourself to take others' behavior personally. If you then blame
them for your feelings, you are being a victim rather than
taking responsibility for having taken their behavior
personally.
Others will likely feel manipulated, blamed and controlled when
you make a statement such as "I'm angry with you," or "I'm
feeling hurt by what you said." If the other person says
"That's your problem," or responds with anger, defensiveness,
or withdrawal, and then you respond with "I'm just sharing my
feelings," the interaction can get really convoluted.
Next time you share your feelings and the other person gets
angry, defensive, or withdrawn, take a moment to investigate
your own intention. The chances are you are covertly blaming
the other person for your feelings. Once you discover that this
is what you are doing, disengage from the interaction and
explore how you might be causing your own feelings. What are
you telling yourself and how are you treating yourself that is
causing your upsetting feelings?
You will discover that your interactions with others greatly
improve when you stop being a victim by blaming others for your
feelings and start to take responsibility for your own feelings.
About the Author: Margaret Paul, Ph.D., best-selling author of
eight books, including "Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By
You” and co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding healing
process. FREE Inner Bonding course at:
http://www.innerbonding.com. Phone sessions available.
mailto:margaret@innerbonding.com.
Source: http://www.isnare.com
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